I'm Having A Crisis

I left my job the job so horrible I forgot how to breath and how to see and how to get the work done so horrible worlds collided and the universe shook so horrible I could hear the world cry for putting me in this state of self-pity make me a victim please hurt for me please tear off your flesh and let me bleed for you please so that I am no one and the world is laughing at me with me the world is carrying me on its shoulders and I am pounding on its back screaming let me fall. please. Let me drop to my knees and blow the world, grab it by its balls and bite I'm a dyke you tool and I'm using you just for my benefit spit the worlds face and drown in its cum I am begging you to drop fall push ache pin me down while I scream because I am pushing through soil while digging my roots and I'm completely directionally challenged. I am climbing up fucking tree tops hopping to G-d the water won't swallow me whole- what a horrible way to die. Wandering if flames, earth, fire, water are always the worst way to go and fearing who I will be when one takes me. Is it so crazy to want to live a life for you without plannign what your future babies will do? To want to be happy to travel to see the world and maybe not save save save. Making no sense trying to be smart is a failing endeavor.

Its Raining

Its Raining.
And the air feels stiff and sticky. It feels thick and moist. Heavy with the weight of the too full clouds. Aching with the desire to spill. It makes me feel cold, almost sweaty, with the tingle in your feet making your toes sting and the depth of your belly roar. Your eyes water and melt and wet hits your cheeks, slimy and unclean. You feel tight. Enclosed. Exhausted. Warmed but too too hot. The rain begins to creep through your soles and you cringe with each step, an evolving puddle beneath you. Quicken your pace to get inside, but your smoke is still burning and your too cheap to throw it out. Find a shelter to protect you. Finish the smoke. And watch. All of this for a little rain.

I work in hell.

Yes. That is right. Hell. By no means an exaggeration. Every morning I put on my wrinkled, probably dirty, clothes, look close to my best (or worst depending on the day), and ride the long subway ride to hell.
Everyone has a Hell-ish subway ride in the morning. Not just me. 8:30am and everyone is on their way to work. crammed in tight,with your head neatly lodged in a sweaty dirty mans armpit. That is hell-ish. I then go to hell. Once again, not an exaggeration.
Contrary to popular belief, sometimes hell is not such a bad place. Sometimes the people are ok. Nice even. People like you and me. Its the devil you have to worry about.
She doesn't come into the office much. For the time being she is away, some hot resort with her i-pad on her lap, working away in the sun and acting like the rest of the world has somehow punished her and she landed up there....on a beautifully sunny beach. rough life.
So, for now at least her insults and abuse come only in the form of telephone calls and emails. Thank goodness for small miracles.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!
YOU ARE PATHETIC!
I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO CLOSE THIS FUCKING BUSINESS DOWN IF YOU DON'T SHAPE UP!
GET ME ______ ON THE PHONE FUCKING NOW!!!!!
You would think her keyboard is permanently stuck on caps lock. But, no. She just wants to make sure you know she is screaming.
Thank goodness I have yet to suffer from physical abuse, although she has told me not to stand near the stairwell "MY LAST ASSISTANT GOT PUSHED DOWN."
Life working in hell has its challenges. So far. I am still breathing....all be it my breaths are short and shallow.